Right now, I'm over the mad, I'm done with the crying, and I'm just tired. For now, the fight is over but that won't last long. I can promise you that.
Yesterday was Goofy's Psychologist appointment. The next step on the path to where ever the hell we're going. The night before, after spending the day in between ... things... reading over school evaluation reports and his 504 and his daily notes home brushing up so that I could at least pretend to be prepared, I was feeling pretty confident. "There's no way the doc can't see this," I said to myself. "It's right there in black and white highlighted in yellow. There's no way he can't see," I said. Right about the point I caught myself daydreaming about the formal written request to re-evaluate his eligibility for an educational diagnosis, I knew I was getting my hopes too high. "But there's the proof. Right there in the words of trained professionals," I said. I ended up putting the papers down, saying a prayer, grabbing a beer, running some bath water and walking away. just as I told you I was.
The morning was a bit hectic. I didn't have much time to think about where we were going or what we were doing until we were waiting in line in the waiting room. Suddenly, I'm a nervous wreck. I'm a shaking, fidgety mess of a woman and I am pretty darned sure I'm going to vomit all over their floor. I'm texting my friend freaking out on her and she gives me the best advice she could have given. "Go to your happy place." " :) Ancora impartial." "yes. he is always calm." and I'm ok. I can breathe. It will be fine. everything will work out.
Until I'm sitting in the office, facing the psychologist. I knew something was not going to go as planned when I found out he hadn't seen the school evaluation reports that I told the OT he needed. Everything was depending on him reading these reports and seeing what they said. If he hadn't read them then, what has changed? Nothing. "It's not just ADHD," I say. "I told you, I don't think autism fits. His socialization is too good. That hasn't changed." My eyes tear up, "you're wrong," I tell him. Yes, awfully daring, I know. I heard the words too late to recheck them. In my defense- he's wrong. I don't care about the autism, the autism's not the point. the point is the ADHD. There is something more than ADHD. Something is going on with him, something is there and no one can say what. he has all of these problems and no one can do anything about them. By this point I'm full on bawling like a baby. I'm telling him it's all in the report. The report says everything, I'm telling him the places we've been, the things we've done, the answers we aren't getting and I tell him he doesn't understand. I need something to take to school.
I'm telling him he can't be evaluated for Auditory Processing Disorder until he's 7, he agrees. I say he can't be evaluated for Visual Processing Disorder at all because it's a waste of time because they can't even do anything and it doesn't even matter, he agrees. He says we can see an optometrist, I say it's. not. his. eyes! He understands that but they can check eye convergence. they did, I say, it's in the report! Everything is in the report but no one is listening to it. I say I need something, some kind of medical diagnosis to give to school. I told him that they said he could have OT through school if I get a diagnosis of SPD but he said SPD wasn't a diagnosis. He says it's not in the DSM. I understand that but I need something, something medical and since he said we couldn't have the SPD, he can't have OT. He leans back, spreads his hands, tilts his head, and he says, "Hey, *I* can't control what goes in the DSM." Oh, geez, man! That's not what I'm saying! He says some of the things I'm telling him the people told me just doesn't make sense... I know! That's what I'm saying! and if I had my freakin words I could say it better. I told him they all keep sending me to him. He says they're punting. because they don't know what else to tell me.
He says, "Stop chasing diagnoses. It's a waste of time." He says that educational is educational and medical is medical. The school doesn't have to listen to anything I bring in. He says get an advocate. Make the school do something. We started talking IEE and I told him I could request one but I thought it was a waste of time because it's all right there in the report. The information is good, the interpretation is wrong. The presumed reasoning for why he does what he does is wrong. The report says he has problems. and he agrees, even just glancing through at the highlighted parts, he sees that. Everything we need is in the report. and he tells me to stay away from the IEE because it's a waste of time. That locks it in to where they don't have to do anything at all for 9 months to a year. because they don't have to do anything while that external evaluation is going on. He says get an advocate. and he prints up some information for me.
I was still crying walking out of the building. I sat in my car with the boys and I cried. We came home and I spent the afternoon and the evening sulking and skulking around facebook and such, letting the kids play as many video games and watch as much TV as they wanted. I talked to a few friends, very few about this because I wasn't ready to talk about it. When I was ready, my friend Bec from Snagglebox was there. There are no real solutions, no easy fixes but I think I've got a handle on what has already happened and I'm to the point that I'm thankful that I finally got the direct answer I've been begging for. Thanks, Bec. What would I do without you?
This morning I overslept, Alex missed his bus, Goofy had 10 minutes to get ready, ended up running for his bus, and I forgot to give the little turd his ADHD medicine. Back to normal. What would we do without our daily routines to wrap their comforting arms around us, right?